Scientists discover something everybody already knows
Posted August 20th, 2009 by Rich
Congratulations scientists at the university of Ottowa for this highly pointless research paper. I assume that none of them have actually seen a zombie apocalypse movie?
<Canadian accent>
Scientist #1: “Let’s do a fuckin study on zombies, nobody knoows what’ll happen if an infection breaks owt*”
Scientist #2: “I’ll get my caear**”
Scientist #3: “What’s a fuckin zombie?”
</Canadian accent>
Anyway aside from this cheap excuse to make you imagine Canadians talking, the serious conclusion of the article was that quarantine, cures and other non violent methods would not be a good enough solution. The only way to ensure survival would be to eliminate the infected, “hit them hard, hit them often”***
Apparently they arrived at this decision after using models developed to calculate the effects of more plausible pandemics. What the hell? I could have told them that from Stubbs the zombie there, or [insert zombie movie here].
Well inspired by this Stirling work I now feel I have what it takes to become a respected scientist. Let’s see now.
Q: I wonder what would happen if a massive object like an asteroid were to fly to Earth an possibly kill us all?
A: Having conducted extensive research based on the results of other global catastrophes we estimate that the fatal path of the asteroid would have to be discovered by someone unimportant in the middle of the night. The solution to the impending catastrophe will be to send some explosives to the object at great expense and only once by America, and nobody else. The explosives will have to be deployed either automatically or implausibly by some random driller types. Then either everything will be fine, or they will mess it up and mankind will be all but wiped out and have to live in caves, and that kind of thing.
Q: What would happen if a race of robots came to earth because their planet was destroyed
A: According to recent findings some of them would be nice, but some of them would be nasty… and they would have a large, very spectacular fight indeed. In the end, though, there would be this little cube that if would easily defeat the bad robots. Later on the bad robots return will some ancient buddies. They have another massive, very spectacular fight for a reason nobody is sure of, but everyone will agree that the fight was indeed very large, and very spectacular.
What would happen if there was such a thing as aliens, and they tried to take over the world?
A:Most likely, having analysed this from every angle using science, the aliens would seemingly be easily able to defeat all humanity, possessing either highly advanced technology or far superior numbers, perhaps both. As the battle for control of earth plays out humanity would appear to be definitely doomed. However right before the end someone would discover a way to kill the aliens and we would be saved. Either that or they would all randomly die because they can’t live on Earth and they are incredibly thick aliens that don’t actually plan anything in advance.
Did I mention that my word is irrefutable as I am studying for my super doctorate in what-would-happen-ology? And yes, that is an actual picture of me next to the answers.
* out
** car
*** That is what she said.
Tags: Reaction, Science, Zombies
4 Responses to “Scientists discover something everybody already knows”
August 20th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I really like your blog and i respect your work. I’ll be a frequent visitor.
August 21st, 2009 at 4:46 pm
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September 10th, 2009 at 11:34 am
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September 21st, 2009 at 4:56 am
Interesting hypotheses.
But I believe any massive object like an asteroid were to fly to Earth would not kill us all. We would dvelop superhuman powers, like the people of Smallville and battle evil until the end of time (the end of time would eventually destroy us all).
I also believe that if a race of robots came to earth because their planet was destroyed they would have their hands full when a primitive tribe of New Guinean head-hunters thwarted their plans.
And as far as aliens are concerned? They’re already here, and their technology is way more advanced than ours. Have you heard of their proctological exams? They WILL take over the world…one ass at a time.
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