I watched lord of the rings again on Monday. I saw the first one by accident when it came out, I actually wanted to go and see ‘Monkeybone’ but accidentally went into the wrong screen. I should have noticed earlier but Brendan Frazer and Eddie Murphy are bloody similar looking after 5 rounds of malibu & tizer. Basically the plot, for those of you who haven’t seen it, is that there’s this ring. Everyone is worried that it will go around murdering cute puppies so decide to throw it in a volcano. so then off they go and sneak through some trees and a war and have a fight with a spider… The whole thing just leaves you thinking: If they were that worried about it why the hell didn’t the dwarf hit it with his axe from the word go - and save them the hassle of walking about for the last 10 hours of the film. Well I kept falling asleep for most of it so I guess it will remain a mystery

Well watching this film got me thinking about other films where there is a plot point that you spot which, for you, would cause the rest of the movie to be redundant and a bit of a waste of time. Tim Bisley’s / Family guy’s point about the gunner on the star destroyer at the beginning of star wars (a new hope) springs to mind. If he had shot down C3PO and R2D2 it would have been a one way train to ‘no more rebellion’ towne.

If Bill & Ted had booted Rufus in the balls and just failed their history report they wouldn’t care - but no adventures for them… excellent or otherwise.

So I learned a very valuable, life changing lesson:

Don’t do anything which it might turn out leads to adventures aplenty *, unless it turns out that you were meant to do it, in which case FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T NOT DO IT**

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Filed under: Blog, Rick's secret indicator category 1, idea, weg

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. But I would like to point out a comment on metacritic to the newest Batman movie:

colin C gave it a 0:
Under normal circumstances this movie might get a two or three, but given all the bloated praise it’s gotten elsewhere I think the zero is warranted. It’s way too long, way too self-serious, and often makes little sense. My girlfriend and I were close to walking out because by the end we were exhausted by all the explosions, heavy-handed dialogue and thudding, stupid music. Batman Begins was fun, but this is just a loud, pretentious bore.

…

“All the explosions” - he says like its a bad thing.

I am currently doing an aghast face. I had to say that because you can’t see my face, I also wrote this in the past and may be wearing a different expression now. maybe I should have simply drawn my face using letters to form some sort of ‘emotional icon’ or ‘iconemote’

It may have gone something like this

Do8

you live and learn. I shall iconemote more often now to cut down on babbling and suggest you all do the same in your own web blogs or ‘wegs’

OGC

(that is a small man, standing raising his fist in readiness to iconemote more in his weg)

Back to the point: I have been recently enjoying Bioshock which is great! But people had similarly attacked it, based solely on the fact that it is brilliant and reviewers without fail said so too.

There appears to be some hidden joy in taking a negative standpoint simply because it will be clear evidence that you have a ‘mind of your own’ and such. Well for some reason I take personal offense to this and it makes me do a frowny face. much like this:

):>(

Next week: Will the punarama weg ever actually have a pun in it? This Wegger thinks no

epilogue:

I just remembered that iconemote came up in a conversation between me and a friend - just wanted to mention that it in case it wasn’t my idea - but his, and I have simply remembered. don’t want to get sued or anything

1 Comment »
Filed under: Blog, Humor, weg

I feel compelled to get a couple of things off my chest. It happens from time to time. I know there are larger issues facing the world today: The ‘biggies’. However these are a bit to unamanagable for one lowly action hero secret agent like me. Global maltreatment, starvation and all that crap. I’ll leave that in the safe hands of those national leaders who it concerns most like George Bush and Hu Jintao.

1. The word rectify is not hilarious enough. Why are people still using this word and not sniggering? should making something more correct be correctify? because rectify to me implies to makes something more… rectal?

2. Why is Gary Busey recently only in films i’ve never heard of?

3. Artistic imagery is not a valid replacement for a story. A major culprit is David Lynch. I have written a short tribute David Lynch film. I can say impartially that this is the greatest thing ever written. I would appreciate your feedback:

The Candidate

1 title sequence

We are outside a large mansion we glide in from left toward a distant, group of people on the grounds. The theme tune is welcome to the jungle by Guns ‘n’ Roses. It soon becomes clear as we approach that this is a wedding party. People are are forming to have their picture taken. soon we see that the photographer is dressed in a smart grey suit and top hat. He is arranging the guests in from of the camera and stand.

Photographer
ok everyone! gather together!

people jostle, some laughter. A close up of the photographer shows us that he is blind

2 Candidate room, evening

We see a clean, dimly lit room with modern furnishings, it has three chairs - in one is a woman in a suit with a rosette, in the other is a casually dressed man with a garish haloween witches mask around his neck.

The woman looks at the man

The man slowly puts on the witches mask. He seems very apprehensive.

3 FBI Headquarters

Gary Busey is telling of his theory: “The Ex Presidents” Bank robbers who are surfers! The F.B.I. force can hardly believe that Gary Busey is actually considering such a thing. But what do they care? He’s probably gone loopy, he’s old and washed up.

4 Masion, day

We see all of the wedding guests from the cameras perspective. They are perfectly arranged to have their photo taken, standing very still. Their is the sound of a photo shutter and for a second we see the photo. It is the exact same scene but blurry from being poorly taken.

We see the photographer get up satisfied. He slowly puts his hand into his inside pocket

5 Photographers room, Night

The photographers has a very cluttered room, He has transformers wallpaper. It is starkly lit from a bright table lamp, precariously balanced on a bean bag in which there is a cat. From time to time the cat moves making the lamp wobble about, causing whatever we are looking at to be temporarily obscured in very dark shadows.

The photographer is standing in the exact same position as the previous scene but his suit is gone. He has only a pair of shorts on and we can now see in his hand is a cuddly toy

The light flickers vividly as the cat mucks about on the bean bag. The photographer is periodically plunged into shadow. The figure flickers  between Gary Busey and the photographer.

6 U.S.S. Missiouri

We are on the mess deck. Some of the army chef guys are stood about looking sheepish because Gary Busey told them to go have a party, but Steven Seagal was all up in his face, so he spits in Steven Seagals soup. He sneers and says ‘it’s to add a little flavour’. Some of Gary Busey’s cronies guffaw at this but you know Steven Seagal is pissed off so Gary Busey chucks him in the food locker, sure that he will in no way be forgotten about or interfere with any plans he may have later / kill them all.

7 Candidate room

The guy with the witches mask is doing monkey impressions. The candidate claps and laughs in a childish way. The photographer comes in.

The first guy takes off the mask, looking terrified.

8 Spanish villa

The villa is brightly lit from the midday sun. We see three people on a patio partially sheltered by some vines growing on wiring over them. We see two of the characters are fat, middle aged men. They are stood talking in spanish to a girl in a lurid way.

Spanish dude #1
una hoja de masa (corte en cuatro)
dos manzanas (la Abuelita Smith es una opción buena)
dos azúcar de cucharones
mitad de cucharilla de cinamomo
toque de la leche

Spanish dude #2
una hoja de masa (corte en cuatro)
dos manzanas (la Abuelita Smith es una opción buena)
dos azúcar de cucharones
mitad de cucharilla de cinamomo
toque de la leche

Those who can speak spanish will discover that the men are repeatedly listing the ingredients needed for an apple turnover.

9 The Gallactica

Gary Busey is in nearly tears in talking to Adama. Adama’s face looks like a very stern raisin crossed with the thing from fantastic four

Busey
I think I’m a cylon!

Adama
Don’t be daft! I’ve known you for ages!

Busey
We don’t know that cylons can’t age. We didn’t even know skin jobs existed until after the attacks!

Adama
Well - sucks to be you. Get in the viper launch tubes so we can bargain with you please.

Adama goes mental for a while, blubbing like a little baby and smashing things.

10 Candidate room

The candidate is alone now. She has her boobs out and is dancing
in a large hollow cake. Steven Seagal bursts in

Seagal
What are you up to?

Candidate
Nowt

Seagal
Get some clothes on!

Candidate
k

Seagal
Help me with this ship’s gun pls - I have to explode Gary Busey right in the face

Busey
Fuck off Seagal. You can’t hit me from there.

Seagal
Oh yea?

Seagal explodes Gary Busey right in the face, and just before Busey is all like - aww man!

11 FBI Office

The FBI people are all watching telly reports about how the bank robberies are still going on. The FBI captain shakes his head, looking like he’s out of ideas. So he hands Busey a big folder with “dead secret ‘The Ex Presidents’ case files” written on it.

FBI Captain
btw Busey this is your new helper dude Johnny Utah

Busey
what? Are you serious? I am too old for your newfangled ways, I’m a lone wolf, a top shark, a maverick and so on

FBI Captain
Tough

Johnny Utah
Hey - I believe your story! They only rob banks in Summer? near Surfing spots? It all fits!

Busey
It’s elementary my dear Utah!

FIN

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Filed under: Blog, idea

I have an announcement. I have decided to hate ties this week. You heard me: Ties. While the rest of us work our fingers to the bone, sweating, bleeding, trying to keep this crazy world going, ties just hang there like they own the place. Down with ties. They are abysmal wastes of both my time and yours.

I find it strange, writing this that I have developed a spontaneous dislike for ties… as my current job is the first where I have not been required to wear a tie at all, and prior to this at school. In fact I always assumed they generally served a good function. Leave ties alone! you hear? they make people look smart. How else is someone to tell that you are smart unless you have a tie on? Everyone will see your shirt’s buttons! oh the humanity… Well fuck you, past me - you are a naive wide eyed idiot

It wasn’t a totally spontaneous change of heart though:

Is it a tie? Is it a scarf? NEITHER!

I imagine it is terribly unfashionable of me to think this but doesn’t wearing things that way make you look like a tool? I know ties are essentially functionless - but its like putting a hat on and ripping the top part off becasue it will apparently make it look great. Charlie Brooker does not like hats.

Thinking about it - down with any clothing you wear purely for decoration. If it’s jewellery like a necklace then that’s different. Because lets be honest sometimes it looks nice… but to be honest a bow tie is just a stupid looking waste of time.

Damn if someone made me king of the world there would be some fairly bizarre and disasterous times ahead for humanity. But at least there wouldn’t be pointless bits of cloth draped around peoples bodies.

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Filed under: Humor, Skeptical

Sometimes I hate getting e-mails, packed with images that I’ve seen plenty of times before… which is why I never forward things to others (for similar reasons as I discussed a while back). But sometimes you can get some crackers from the more discerning e-mailer. Thanks to James for sending me these which made me chuckle:

This guy just reeks whackiness.

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Filed under: Funny, Humor, Picture, image