I feel compelled to get a couple of things off my chest. It happens from time to time. I know there are larger issues facing the world today: The ‘biggies’. However these are a bit to unamanagable for one lowly action hero secret agent like me. Global maltreatment, starvation and all that crap. I’ll leave that in the safe hands of those national leaders who it concerns most like George Bush and Hu Jintao.

1. The word rectify is not hilarious enough. Why are people still using this word and not sniggering? should making something more correct be correctify? because rectify to me implies to makes something more… rectal?

2. Why is Gary Busey recently only in films i’ve never heard of?

3. Artistic imagery is not a valid replacement for a story. A major culprit is David Lynch. I have written a short tribute David Lynch film. I can say impartially that this is the greatest thing ever written. I would appreciate your feedback:

The Candidate

1 title sequence

We are outside a large mansion we glide in from left toward a distant, group of people on the grounds. The theme tune is welcome to the jungle by Guns ‘n’ Roses. It soon becomes clear as we approach that this is a wedding party. People are are forming to have their picture taken. soon we see that the photographer is dressed in a smart grey suit and top hat. He is arranging the guests in from of the camera and stand.

Photographer
ok everyone! gather together!

people jostle, some laughter. A close up of the photographer shows us that he is blind

2 Candidate room, evening

We see a clean, dimly lit room with modern furnishings, it has three chairs - in one is a woman in a suit with a rosette, in the other is a casually dressed man with a garish haloween witches mask around his neck.

The woman looks at the man

The man slowly puts on the witches mask. He seems very apprehensive.

3 FBI Headquarters

Gary Busey is telling of his theory: “The Ex Presidents” Bank robbers who are surfers! The F.B.I. force can hardly believe that Gary Busey is actually considering such a thing. But what do they care? He’s probably gone loopy, he’s old and washed up.

4 Masion, day

We see all of the wedding guests from the cameras perspective. They are perfectly arranged to have their photo taken, standing very still. Their is the sound of a photo shutter and for a second we see the photo. It is the exact same scene but blurry from being poorly taken.

We see the photographer get up satisfied. He slowly puts his hand into his inside pocket

5 Photographers room, Night

The photographers has a very cluttered room, He has transformers wallpaper. It is starkly lit from a bright table lamp, precariously balanced on a bean bag in which there is a cat. From time to time the cat moves making the lamp wobble about, causing whatever we are looking at to be temporarily obscured in very dark shadows.

The photographer is standing in the exact same position as the previous scene but his suit is gone. He has only a pair of shorts on and we can now see in his hand is a cuddly toy

The light flickers vividly as the cat mucks about on the bean bag. The photographer is periodically plunged into shadow. The figure flickers  between Gary Busey and the photographer.

6 U.S.S. Missiouri

We are on the mess deck. Some of the army chef guys are stood about looking sheepish because Gary Busey told them to go have a party, but Steven Seagal was all up in his face, so he spits in Steven Seagals soup. He sneers and says ‘it’s to add a little flavour’. Some of Gary Busey’s cronies guffaw at this but you know Steven Seagal is pissed off so Gary Busey chucks him in the food locker, sure that he will in no way be forgotten about or interfere with any plans he may have later / kill them all.

7 Candidate room

The guy with the witches mask is doing monkey impressions. The candidate claps and laughs in a childish way. The photographer comes in.

The first guy takes off the mask, looking terrified.

8 Spanish villa

The villa is brightly lit from the midday sun. We see three people on a patio partially sheltered by some vines growing on wiring over them. We see two of the characters are fat, middle aged men. They are stood talking in spanish to a girl in a lurid way.

Spanish dude #1
una hoja de masa (corte en cuatro)
dos manzanas (la Abuelita Smith es una opción buena)
dos azúcar de cucharones
mitad de cucharilla de cinamomo
toque de la leche

Spanish dude #2
una hoja de masa (corte en cuatro)
dos manzanas (la Abuelita Smith es una opción buena)
dos azúcar de cucharones
mitad de cucharilla de cinamomo
toque de la leche

Those who can speak spanish will discover that the men are repeatedly listing the ingredients needed for an apple turnover.

9 The Gallactica

Gary Busey is in nearly tears in talking to Adama. Adama’s face looks like a very stern raisin crossed with the thing from fantastic four

Busey
I think I’m a cylon!

Adama
Don’t be daft! I’ve known you for ages!

Busey
We don’t know that cylons can’t age. We didn’t even know skin jobs existed until after the attacks!

Adama
Well - sucks to be you. Get in the viper launch tubes so we can bargain with you please.

Adama goes mental for a while, blubbing like a little baby and smashing things.

10 Candidate room

The candidate is alone now. She has her boobs out and is dancing
in a large hollow cake. Steven Seagal bursts in

Seagal
What are you up to?

Candidate
Nowt

Seagal
Get some clothes on!

Candidate
k

Seagal
Help me with this ship’s gun pls - I have to explode Gary Busey right in the face

Busey
Fuck off Seagal. You can’t hit me from there.

Seagal
Oh yea?

Seagal explodes Gary Busey right in the face, and just before Busey is all like - aww man!

11 FBI Office

The FBI people are all watching telly reports about how the bank robberies are still going on. The FBI captain shakes his head, looking like he’s out of ideas. So he hands Busey a big folder with “dead secret ‘The Ex Presidents’ case files” written on it.

FBI Captain
btw Busey this is your new helper dude Johnny Utah

Busey
what? Are you serious? I am too old for your newfangled ways, I’m a lone wolf, a top shark, a maverick and so on

FBI Captain
Tough

Johnny Utah
Hey - I believe your story! They only rob banks in Summer? near Surfing spots? It all fits!

Busey
It’s elementary my dear Utah!

FIN

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Filed under: Blog, idea

I have an announcement. I have decided to hate ties this week. You heard me: Ties. While the rest of us work our fingers to the bone, sweating, bleeding, trying to keep this crazy world going, ties just hang there like they own the place. Down with ties. They are abysmal wastes of both my time and yours.

I find it strange, writing this that I have developed a spontaneous dislike for ties… as my current job is the first where I have not been required to wear a tie at all, and prior to this at school. In fact I always assumed they generally served a good function. Leave ties alone! you hear? they make people look smart. How else is someone to tell that you are smart unless you have a tie on? Everyone will see your shirt’s buttons! oh the humanity… Well fuck you, past me - you are a naive wide eyed idiot

It wasn’t a totally spontaneous change of heart though:

Is it a tie? Is it a scarf? NEITHER!

I imagine it is terribly unfashionable of me to think this but doesn’t wearing things that way make you look like a tool? I know ties are essentially functionless - but its like putting a hat on and ripping the top part off becasue it will apparently make it look great. Charlie Brooker does not like hats.

Thinking about it - down with any clothing you wear purely for decoration. If it’s jewellery like a necklace then that’s different. Because lets be honest sometimes it looks nice… but to be honest a bow tie is just a stupid looking waste of time.

Damn if someone made me king of the world there would be some fairly bizarre and disasterous times ahead for humanity. But at least there wouldn’t be pointless bits of cloth draped around peoples bodies.

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Filed under: Humor, Skeptical

Sometimes I hate getting e-mails, packed with images that I’ve seen plenty of times before… which is why I never forward things to others (for similar reasons as I discussed a while back). But sometimes you can get some crackers from the more discerning e-mailer. Thanks to James for sending me these which made me chuckle:

This guy just reeks whackiness.

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Filed under: Funny, Humor, Picture, image

I was travelling home from work yesterday on the bus, much like any other day. The driver stops at some lights, waits for them to turn green and pulls away. The junction he was approaching contains a pedestrian crossing - and being the impertinent scamps they are - a few of them were still scurrying across the road. The signal had turned red, they knew the dangers. I don’t blame them, sometimes I too like to speed up my journey at the small risk of being crushed. Its a few precious seconds saved.

One rotund woman, however, who I shall call fatty, tugging the smallest suitcase in the world behind her across the road did not hurry. As the bus approached her face fell into one of comic disbelief. Fatty stopped to look up to the walk/don’t walk signal, and clearly saw her error - but as the bus approached (slowing to avoid squashing her) she began to animatedly shout at the driver, waving her arms, pointing fingers and generally venting some unknown grievance.

It is possible that this woman was derranged, as even if the driver was in the wrong (which he wasn’t) in a tussle between a several ton bus and a person, you are going to end up with one, several ton bus, and one small red stain.

People on the bus began to crane their necks to get a better view of what was going on, and cars behind began to sound their horns. From what I could make out she was under the impression that the crossing was green and the driver must have ‘jumped the lights’ or some other unforgivable  crime. Eventually it took the efforts of one older woman to come over and persuade Fatty to drop whatever issue she seemed to have with the driver, and let everyone carry on.

It’s not like going from one place to another is some highly charged, stressful chore - most people manage fine.

To fatty, people who beep their horns, or stress out for no reason:

This sentiment is sponsored by b3ta

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Filed under: Humor, Skeptical

I am absolutely furious that after having slaved over my most recent photoshop creation for a while, a friend who was in the room looked over my shoulder and said I needed a life. I would have laughed and agreed with him, except this person had been sitting for the last 3 hours watching rubbish on tv!

I found the hypocrasy too much to bear, so instead of reasonably explaining the problem with his view on my possesion of a life I was forced to make a cutting remark about his mother. Feeling he may have been jaded to the use of his mother as a personal attack attack I also indicated that she and myself had engaged in some clandestine and heavily experimantal sexual activities.

I felt I had to come clean about how the claims were only partially true.

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Filed under: Funny, Picture, Pun