Turns out though its some kind of secret club that you can only become a part of if you know someone who already has it, that will let you in. Like the masons or something.

Anyway I took the easy route and bought my way in with monies. Pretty good all in all – but I noticed that it’s musical recommendation leave something to be desired…

Here’s one for the music fans – click the pic to read the words

Well if you know who pendulum are, or any of those other people underlined are then you might see my issues here.

good service otherwise! go get it if you can. Its only available in awesome countries though. You also have to be awesome to install it.

There is a questionnaire and everything.

Luckily I pulled some internet strings, and it’s back again.

Luckily in the time since the last post I have done absolutely nothing of note. It’s nice to be back though – so I thought I’d say hi!

Here is a joke:

Q: why did the fish blush?

A: because the sea urinated

I don’t really get that one but I sort of remember it from when I was a kid and loads of other people laughed about it

<Canadian accent>

Scientist #1: “Let’s do a fuckin study on zombies, nobody knoows what’ll happen if an infection breaks owt*”

Scientist #2: “I’ll get my caear**”

Scientist #3: “What’s a fuckin zombie?”

</Canadian accent>

Anyway aside from this cheap excuse to make you imagine Canadians talking, the serious conclusion of the article was that quarantine, cures and other non violent methods would not be a good enough solution. The only way to ensure survival would be to eliminate the infected, “hit them hard, hit them often”***

Apparently they arrived at this decision after using models developed to calculate the effects of more plausible pandemics. What the hell? I could have told them that from Stubbs the zombie there, or [insert zombie movie here].

Well inspired by this Stirling work I now feel I have what it takes to become a respected scientist. Let’s see now.

Q: I wonder what would happen if a massive object like an asteroid were to fly to Earth an possibly kill us all?

A: Having conducted extensive research based on the results of other global catastrophes we estimate that the fatal path of the asteroid would have to be discovered by someone unimportant in the middle of the night. The solution to the impending catastrophe will be to send some explosives to the object at great expense and only once by America, and nobody else. The explosives will have to be deployed either automatically or implausibly by some random driller types. Then either everything will be fine, or they will mess it up and mankind will be all but wiped out and have to live in caves, and that kind of thing.

Q: What would happen if a race of robots came to earth because their planet was destroyed

A: According to recent findings some of them would be nice, but some of them would be nasty… and they would have a large, very spectacular fight indeed. In the end, though, there would be this little cube that if would easily defeat the bad robots. Later on the bad robots return will some ancient buddies. They have another massive, very spectacular fight for a reason nobody is sure of, but everyone will agree that the fight was indeed very large, and very spectacular.

What would happen if there was such a thing as aliens, and they tried to take over the world?

A:Most likely, having analysed this from every angle using science, the aliens would seemingly be easily able to defeat all humanity, possessing either highly advanced technology or far superior numbers, perhaps both. As the battle for control of earth plays out humanity would appear to be definitely doomed. However right before the end someone would discover a way to kill the aliens and we would be saved. Either that or they would all randomly die because they can’t live on Earth and they are incredibly thick aliens that don’t actually plan anything in advance.

Did I mention that my word is irrefutable as I am studying for my super doctorate in what-would-happen-ology? And yes, that is an actual picture of me next to the answers.

* out

** car

*** That is what she said.

Link to the news

If you have never been here before then welcome… there was a lot more stuff here in the *edit: now* to be honest. But then something bad happened – so I backed up all my old (broken) stuff and wiped the slate clean and this piece of writing is the first thing I did.

If you have been here before then welcome back! I am hoping to make it look sexy again in the *edit: now*, and extract all of the old content I had before like DNA in the film “jurassic park”, and insert it somewhere using some kind of internet syringe. Creating some kind of dinosaur blog area… thing! do nothing

That analogy did not work as well as I would have hoped.

This new/old section will mainly be for my benefit I imagine, just for historical purposes and to ensure I don’t repeat myself.

On second thought maybe I wont. Then I can say everything I said before, and it will seem phresh and exciting.

1. if it rains cats and dogs, does it drizzle kittens and puppies?
2. i just invented the worlds first clockwork digital clock
3. #literalidioms that’s the ticket! (handing train ticket to ticket inspector on a train)
4. I’m not a complete idiot, I only have one eye
5. Jeez if i had a pound for every time someone gave me a pound…
6. vampire cookers really make my blood boil
7. people who unwittingly pull a little face when farting, and worry someone saw: scratch your eye like the expression was caused by an itch
8. Apple safari sounds like the most crap safari I can imagine wanting to go on
9. Homeless people: Avoid prejudice by getting an expensive Tuxedo & Jewellery to wear so people think you are wealthy
10. I have never fought the law. but should I choose to i would definitely win.
11. (upon hearing a friend had dropped & broken several beer bottles at work) I feel for you dude… that must be sol destroying.
12. I have decided against becoming a vampire since, being undead i wont be able to collect on life
    insurance or health insurance
13. Pies in search of porn: try renting American Pie
14. was it just me that was dissapointed when first watching die hard that it had nothing to do with necrophilia?
15. I guess if you had a three course meal on a row boat your starter would have to be some OAR d’oeuvres!
16. These last few sound like jokes/quotes I heard, forgot I read them and then subsequently remembered but attributed to my incredibly comedy writing abilities
    All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
17. Look at me! I’m invisible!
18. My front door’s made of sponges. Hey, don’t knock it
19. im selling a parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain.
20. I slept with my girlfriends younger sister she found out and said “You disgust me” I said “Not true: we never discussed you at all”

(click to enlarge… if you are nosy about what windows i had open i guess)

Here is one example of this which I found pretty amusing

Friday: Everyone was in high spirits and looking forward to the weekend. We would all be sat beneath (at least) a tent and a bag each on the way up, and given our positive mood this would prove fairly amusing. However despite being a comparatively fast journey, as we would be arriving very late, it would still be taking over 4 hours. Here is a diagram demonstrating the logistical dilemma:

Having 10 odd kilograms on our cramped knees would soon loose its novelty value, I thought. So the cunning solution to consume beer soon presented itself. We travelled north into the night and the weather steadily worsened, and we steadily drunkened.

Arriving in the middle of the night had the benefit of having nobody else arriving so getting to the site was more relaxing, however there was also the downside that nobody else was arriving which meant we weren’t entirely sure on which way to go. This lead to about an extra hour of lost time wandering about in a car park in the rain, slightly tipsy with horrendous amounts of luggage tied to ourselves.

I made a map of how to get to the site should i go again and they adopt a similar layout:

Thursday (midnight): The site itself, thankfully, was much quieter than one might expect of a festival. Partly due to the rain, and partly as it had only been open for 12 hours, but in any case we made contact with some friends who had already arrived so we could all pitch together. From then until Friday our area filled with friends and acquaintances until it was unusually expansive little ‘love in’ given how busy the site quickly became. The next day we had a barbeque which was lovely aside from that we had NO FUCKING TOMATOE SAUCE. I anger quickly when deprived of condiments.

Friday: the first day of music had arrived! Up at about 7 for a delicious liquid breakfast, and after a short while took a stroll* down to the arena. The weather had become much finer, and it really stayed bloody sunny the whole weekend. We festival goers were enjoying it all in our droves:

Once there I had a bit of an explore* of the various tents seeing a few interesting new bands I may be checking out more of, particularly sylosis. However for the most part I was having a wander*, or drinking on a hill watching such acts as Opeth, Limp Bizkit and Faith No More. Limb Bizkit were surprisingly entertaining. Fred invited one fan near the front to join him on stage and dance about with him, even singing some of one song (arguably better than Fred himself). The evening was a standard affair of heavy alcohol consumption. I remember taking a walk* through the shouting crowds and was seeing folks being carried, vomiting through the throng to the nearest bush, and passing grimy cubicle blocks that already reeked of excrement and I wondered: This might be a little bit what hell is like. But I was drunk, and had become lost so found the whole experience quite amusing in a “well, it’s all a part of the rich tapestry of life” kind of a way you may get when you cease to care about things.

Saturday: Started out fairly quietly with a few pints at dawn, then once again off to the metal. Very happy to see static x who did an excellent set, and devil driver who once again (apparently) attempted to break the record for the world’s largest mosh pit. Here is a video of their attempt.

I didn’t go down to join in, and looked like a wise decision as a friend who did go in for it later came back with a cracked rib, but a part of me wished I had. After this there was an extended ‘vague time’ of which I remember little. However I lost my t-shirt I had been instructed not forget to bring on pain of death. This was during my time crushed to the front row of the prodigy (who I think I enjoyed immensely). Here is a picture from earlier happily sporting the garment in a very heterosexual way:

Obviously I was a little upset by my careless loss, but this was not captured at the time. Here is a picture of someone else we were with looking upset on my behalf (possibly):

Sunday: was comparatively quiet. Actually that is a lie, everyone was still hitting the booze hard. It had been dubbed ‘whiskey sunday’ so proceeded with most of us drinking copious amounts of whiskey to chase our beer. As the day became more blurry, it seemed that every time someone announced “WHISKEY SUNDAY!!!” (and later: “WHISKEY MONDAY!!!”) someone would produce a bottle of whiskey or bourbon and force everyone to chug some. Quite a lazy drinking game perhaps, but still served to unite and intoxicate all involved. I was highly anticipating Dream Theater and Clutch, and they both certainly delivered the goods. Def Leppard headlined and I think they were pretty good, although I can’t be entirely certain.

The drive back was much more relaxed as we had eaten and drunk most of our luggage (the edible parts I mean!) so there was much random reminiscences, falling asleep and complaining of feeling like death. But we were all very happy about how well the weekend had turned out.

* Drunken stagger

Richard Herring talking about a DVD recording for his show ‘headmasters son’:

“In the last DVD, due to an accident in editing, there is a point where it cuts from me on stage to an audience shot, where you see me sitting there, chuckling at my own wit.

I had been in the audience for Tony Law’s show that was recorded the same night as mine, and the editor had needed a reaction shot and just coincidentally chosen one with me in it, without realising. It’s quite a spooky coincidence, especially given the fact that (I believe) I am talking about the concept of all the other potential mes that there might have been if a different sperm had made it to the egg first.

Just before we went on Chris from GFS and me were talking about this and I came up with the idea of now deliberately putting a shot of me laughing at myself in every DVD I record, so one of the first things we did was record me, sitting next to the 16 year old Welsh boy in the front row, laughing like whatever I’d just said was the funniest thing ever.”

I love stuff like that